|Like The Queen
Whatever happens to strike my fancy, but surely some sort of fiber content.
Oh please don't delete the post. I'm catching up after a week of melting.
It's not the lack of dexterity it's the other interests, and being smart enough to see that most of the changes are new layers of icing on stale cake. One of our servers has been down for two days. I listen to Network Guy (whose office is near mine and whose voice was born for Shakespeare on an outdoor stage) discuss the issues. It's frustrating and silly even if that is your SOLE JOB and you know it well. No need to take it on as a sideline. I know enough to set up a home wireless network and deal with basic issues, I have no desire to keep up with the rest. The pros have to struggle with it.
Well, now I'm going to just die from curiosity until you reveal The New Direction! Pretty please?
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Thursday, June 01, 2006 The last time I looked at my monthly horoscope on AstrologyZone I had not yet been to Maryland Sheep & Wool. I didn’t have Bella yet - didn’t even know exactly what she looked like - didn’t even know for sure if we were going to love each other. (We are.)
Back then, Susan Miller assured me that May was the month to make career strides - to plant career seeds - even career changing seeds - and to show off to my bosses so they would see I deserved to be raised’n’praised. I work for the government so I already know about raises - and they don’t do bonuses - but I did get slapped with a rather large complicated, expensive project that I had to imagine, do an rfp for, study the bids and choose - in just under 2 weeks. I actually had a Friday deadline last week but was able to extend it to yesterday - and yesterday afternoon it was funded. Boom. Like that. First time I’ve ever had an expensive new project to find $ for and just got it funded - ever.
But my god I’m glad it’s over because I hate that sort of thing on short notice: A new library network with different technology, (I’d forgotten almost everything about the set up of the old one) a new IP, and while we’re at it - some new equipment. Managing a public network of computers connected at high speeds to the Internet is a nerve wracking job that requires the multi-tasking skills of a mother of toddler quintuplets, the ability to look knowledgeable, spout the jargon, and grasp the fundamentals fast, of your average carnival shark. Lots of body language, lots of “whole picture” gazing, lots of quick reading skills. Switching it over to different technology is not tempting because once it's in place you want to have something you can count on, not something to constantly fiddle with. Taking care of the people who use it are enough of a job.
There was once a time when I thought I’d like to become more knowledgeable - really educated in - network management. I took the prerequisite class at the local community college to become network certified, though, and realized that this was not just an ever changing technology, it is a gratuitously changing technology. Fully 50% of the changes are useless and all of them are laid upon old technology which may or may not cause incompatibilities to smash into each other when you’re trying to make the system work. Just depends on who did the programming. The whole industry had the feel of an eager, scatterbrained 14 year old to me and I realized, with just a twinge of sadness, that I had gotten too old to enjoy the constant sand shifts. I just didn’t have the dexterity any more.
Then, of course, I also have Other Interests and I could neither focus my aging brain as long as needed on a such a mercurial topic, nor did I want to. I have spinning wheels.
I have, though, come to see something I really want to do and the whole second half of May I tried hard to take the first baby steps towards making real changes. Let us hope I can keep to it, not get lulled back into the safety of the already known world. To that end I have accepted BD’s offer to check in with me every day to see what I’ve done to move closer to those goals. I don’t take direction well from BD. When he starts to advise I become a sibling and defend my territory to the death - even if, like Aesop’s dog, it’s a bone I don’t want. Letting him advise me is one of the hardest things I ever do and I don’t do it frequently. I’ll admit, he has a very heavy hand and gives no praise whatsoever - which is the main reason I so seldom let him stand on any tutorial platform around me. I know what makes me try harder and it’s soft stroking, not flung challenges. Those, from anyone, crush me and his do particularly, because we’re married to each other. They totally upset the balance.
But now and then I have taken the role of Galatea to his Pygmalion and, because of his special skills and knowledge, we both benefited. And right now - I need all the external structure I can get while I move forward in a New Direction. It’s time. I know I want to do this - I’ve actually dithered with it for several years - but I’m past the “what a great idea” flush of excitement and am smack in front of the door to the Room of Nitty Gritty. If I want it to happen I must do the work.
Of course nothing happens in a life that is blank slate clean and all this inner turmoil is bubbling in a cauldron already full of my job and family and Household Duties, one of which is to go pay bills before I go to work - so off it is I go.
What a mutteringly vague post. Probably ought not put it up, but I am going to - since I can always delete it if it makes me squirm at lunchtime. I shall dub this period my Time Of Turmoil With Light At the End. posted by Bess | 6:52 AM