Like The Queen
Whatever happens to strike my fancy, but surely some sort of fiber content.


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Monday, December 15, 2003  

All about weight - not knitting

Okay darlings. I spent so much time writing this letter to a WW buddy that I’m not inclined to write about anything else. It’s no news that I’ve been working on a body project for 6 months so here’s what is going on with me right now. This is where all my literary energies went this morning.

Hello Sweetie

... chatty stuff ...

Right now I'm chewing my nails because, although I have been below my goal weight for almost 2 weeks - this morning, on my home scales - I can see I am just slightly above it. Now - what the HHHHHHH?????? is going on! Is it psychological weight gain? Is it Holiday Jinx? I've been doing step aerobics at home for 2 days. This uses different muscles from those the treadmill and elliptical trainer use. I can really feel it in my outer thighs. They feel stretched and have that slightly pulled feeling you get when you start a new routine. I know that when you stretch a muscle in a new way, it actually tears a little and fills up with a water cushion till it gets used to the effort. Am I retaining water? I've tried really hard this weekend to stay OP - have I been too strict? too generous with overestimating the AP's?

Weigh in is on Tuesday. I could have weighed in on Saturday at a different meeting and been at goal. Am I going to NOT MAKE GOAL?? this week because of hubris? rats rats rats!

Should I eat nothing for the next 2 days? Work out extra hard? Eat the same? Stop working out and let the muscles release water?

Man - do I feel frustrated - irked - pissed off - sad - doubtful - confused - gypped - I feel like a caged lion, roaring loudly in protest.

And honey - even as I write this - I feel about as silly as I can be.

Why? Because:

1. I'm thinner than I've been since I was in my mid 30's
2. I have the most fantastic velvet Christmas outfit and a party to wear it to
3. I can almost wear the last piece of clothing I ever bought in the junior department, way back in 1987; a pair of size 11 twill jeans. They're only the slightest bit tight about the waist.
4. Most important of all - over the next 30 or 40 years it won't make a whit of difference if I make my goal before Christmas of 2003 or after.

Oh - I know it's a disappointment. But it's not really all that important - what is important is that I am slimmer and fitter and happier with my body, my self, my looks, than I have been in years and years and years. In fact - I am so slim and trim now - I am not sure it is really me.

This brings up one of the most unusual aspects of a big weight loss. It's the mind set that has wrapped around the idea of being a fat woman. Have I come to believe that I will always be a fat woman? Is the idea of weight loss for me - alien? Do I really think that this slender me is only a temporary aberration. It's been several months since I've thought about this - but when I started this journey I couldn't even set a goal because I was so nervous about losing a lot of weight and then putting it back on - because I was born to be a fat woman. If you saw my family you would think "oh. fat people". I'm used to them and I love them, and they are beautiful to me, so in my eyes they are not extraordinarily fat, but the truth is - we all have dumpy short-waisted fat bodies. And fat cheeks and double chins. All except me, for now, that is.

You know the three body types. Endomorphic, ektomorphic and mesomorphic. Well, my family has the endomorphic body type. The fat one. But in fact, for many years I was a slim woman, 5'6", big boned, broad shouldered, weighing between 140=145, wearing the old size 12, which is a size 10 now. I have never looked "skinny" because I am big busted and curvy. But I was trim, fit and stylish. Since I matured in the Twiggy era, I felt fat even when I was not, and learned to disguise my figure using color, line, cut, etc. As I gained weight in my 40's I still used those skills to look my best. Photographs would sometimes force me to admit how big I was becoming - eventually 200 lbs. When I would lose some weight I'd get that same feeling of being trim and stylish. But then the weight would begin to creep back on. I've lived between 170 and 190 since about 1997 or 98. I honestly never thought I'd get down below 150 again. It was only this summer, as WW began to really work for me - without leaving me starving or having to skip festive events or feeling deprived - only feeling careful - that I began to dream of those size 11 jeans.

I feel a little embarrassed that I care so darn much about how I look. And believe me - looks are the primary motive in this whole process. OH I can say the words about health and diabetes and fitness and heart rate and all that - I even try hard to embrace them. But it’s not true. The primary motivating factor here is appearance. Perhaps that is why I have such trouble believing. I honestly don't know if I am going to be able to feel like I am a slim woman instead of a fat one in a skinny disguise. I just don't know how things are going to pan out in the future.

What I do know is that the weight issue will always be with me. Like dyslexia. Like bad ankles. Like old lady eyes that need glasses. I'm not going to "get there" and poof - I'll be done and will be able to put it in a box on the shelf. The issue really is “who am I?” (oh god - ENFP again! Man - I am so to the letter an ENFP - like a caricature of a personality type) Anyway - the issue is self definition and let’s face it, a big part of the definition of me is: A woman who will be working with this issue forever. I just intend the issue to be between 145 - 150 lbs, instead of between 170-190.

So - thanks for listening to my diatribe. Looks like I may not get the Christmas present I wanted - to hit goal. But I swear - when I waltz into that party on Sunday, in burgundy velvet and glittery gold, in open toe sandals with heels - I promise you, I will SASHAY!! And if I can't get one gift - I sure can get another.

posted by Bess | 7:01 AM