Like The Queen
Whatever happens to strike my fancy, but surely some sort of fiber content.


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Tuesday, November 25, 2003  

Why do we obsess? Is obsession bad? Is a blithe spirit frivolous, shallow or wise? What’s the purpose of obsession when no visible results follow? Is an obsession something one needs to experience in order to achieve clarity of comprehension? Why am I out of bed at 4 a.m. with nagging mutterings spilling from my mouth - all about somebody else’s life? Why do I think I am supposed to come up with answers? “Why can’t a woman ... be more like a man?”

I’ve had a belly full of nagging issues robbing me of sleep and weighing heavily on my spirit this fall. First was Dad’s health and all the false promise it offered of prodding him into safer, more comfortable living arrangements - for Mama as well as Dad. Then there was a professional issue that I knew was going to fail me but that I felt I had to participate in, in order to ensure my point of view was at least included in the record. Now a beloved friend is crashing through a nasty divorce and wants support from me that I don’t know how to give. I am so sick of feeling angst about the world around me - just at a time when my own life fits so prettily into its appointed space and I would like to enjoy it.

I can’t figure out why I am so twisted up about other people’s lives right now. After all, not only do I not want to go fix these people’s lives, I don’t think I can fix anybody’s life anyway. But I hate for people I love to be in misery and when they come to me asking for advice or help or action I am fairly stymied. I mean - if you have a bum leg and a bad heart and a brain tumor and I live 2 hours away from you - what do you expect me to do with your horses? You have to hire help to care for them or sell them. And when you ask me when I’m coming to see you - and I was just there last week - what are you really asking me to do?

Ahh - that is what is bothering me I believe. I have many beloved, but needful people in my life who want their situations fixed but they don’t know how to ask me for what they really want from me. They keep asking, and hinting, and presenting things with question marks - as if desirous of comment or action on my part. But they never ask for something specific I can either give or refuse to give. And since what they are doing are all things I would not be doing - I haven’t a clue how to second guess their hidden desires. So I leave them disappointed and feel myself something of a failure - reluctant to enjoy the future, or even the present, because I keep expecting CRISIS to erupt, like solar flares from 507, bathing the world in geo-magnetic static and blasts of radiation.

This is a first for me. Usually I can see what should be happening - make my opinion known and then just move off, letting the person asking for advice take what’s proffered or not. In fact, if I’m not asked for an opinion, I’m far more likely to say nothing at all. If the choices he makes lead him out of my life, so be it. My ego isn’t normally tied up in how happily another lives his life. Mind, now, I really love these people. I really want them to be happy. And they are asking me for advice or help. I still don’t think I can make them happy or give them magic words of enlightenment. I also think they are headed for more pain. So - why is it different this time?

Do I suspect these people will accuse me of not caring? Am I secretly afraid I will lose their love? Do I believe true disaster lurks? Is my ego caught up in some false image I have of myself as WiseWoman-O-TheMountain? Is it just the stupid result of being a librarian for 25 years? Have I slipped down the stupid-slope of believing I am supposed to answer every reference question that comes my way?


What a week of gloomy posts.


posted by Bess | 5:22 AM