Like The Queen
Whatever happens to strike my fancy, but surely some sort of fiber content.


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Tuesday, October 14, 2003  

I am home. I can only say that to have a safe snuggly warm gentle calm loving nest is absolutely the most glorious thing on earth. Huge arms held me as I stood in the doorway. gentle furry heads pressed softly against my knees. I was still feeling pretty much a failure when I turned at the mailbox. As I drove out into the field and turned onto my praying place things began to fall off my psyche. Just sitting in the parked car, looking into the living room - seeing the music stand pushed up against the table - the green trim around the windows - the golden light from within - the 3 dogs milling about waiting for me to open the car door - Ed always puts the dogs outside when I'm due home so that they will greet me, and so that their barking will give him an early notice. Then he can throw open the door and walk out to help me or hug me - whatever is needed. It's such a simple gesture - but it is such a source of strength and warmth and security.

It was difficult to leave my parents, who I see as frail and fragile, to their own devices. There will be home health coming in today to evalutate the situation and I do have a sister who lives only a few miles from them. I also know that my own tension was begining to become badgering. It is so difficult to stop before you get to deciding someone else's way of life is too awful to be allowed. The hardest thing about all this for me is coping with that sense of failure and inadequacy to deal with things correctly. I have *never* wanted to "make you better" or even to "make the world better" or "work for world peace". I really just want to create a warm nest for myself and those loved ones who are happy in my nest. That's why I've been as successful as i have been with my job. I don't have a burning desire to better my community. I just wanted a warm book nest and it turns out lots of other people wanted one too. When I worked on the PTA I was staggered at how many people I worked with were looking around trying to make things better. I didn't think things were all that bad. But so many helpful types can't wait to dig into your life and fix you. That would never occur to me. I would respond to needs the school expressed, but I would never think up things they ought to have - not unless I was working within a structure like a meeting with school people wanting to get my input. If you don't ask, I'm probably not going to think about your situation. Makes me sound awfully selfish. or at least self centered. Maybe I am. mostly I feel like I'm capable of doing what needs to be done and if I am, you are too.

That's why I am so bad at helping my folks.

I haven't knitted in ... weeks? I don't remember when I last did. I tried to work on Sigvaldi while at my parents, but could not. And thre are other, non-knitting, but fiber related, activities I must do over the next few weeks. It's possible I shan't do much more than think about knitting. I may spin though. That is the more soothing-to-me of the two activities.

There is a royal mess to clean up at work. At least, I know of one - if there are more, they will be surprises that I'll discover at 9:30. Tonight is WW but I don't remember if I scheduled help to come in this afternoon so I can leave at 5 to attend the meeting. If not - I will probably still go weigh in. And I will not go to Tuesday Night Knitters - because I have been away from home way too long. I need to plug myself back into the charger.

So. every 50 year old out there with living parents. Just you get ready. Your turn is coming. And begin talking with your SO now, about what sort of living quarters you want at each stage of your aging process. And by god, be ready to give up old ways and old habits. None of them are worth clinging to if they aren't working.

posted by Bess | 7:07 AM