Like The Queen
Whatever happens to strike my fancy, but surely some sort of fiber content.


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Monday, October 27, 2003  

Autumn in VA usually offers up two weekends of splendor so sublime it makes your heart sing. This past weekend was our first, and though I didn’t get to spend it glorying in our woods and rambling with BD along country back roads, I did get two long drives in while going to Mom’s. Our forest is still fairly green. We’re along the river bank and the water holds the warmth a bit longer than up on the higher ground. But once off the river banks it is a muted glory of rich burgundy, deep to pale gold, vivid, if not pulsing, oranges and several shades of lingering greens.

When I drive up to a wall of color, on the slate blue highway, just before a curve, I seem to feel my soul reaching for something - some freedom it can not have confined in this carbon-based shell. It’s a nostalgia, a sweetness, a memory, a dream. It’s a longing to be one of those black gum leaves. It’s a hunger to encompass, to submerge - to reunite - with that huge universal soul from which I suspect we are ladled - each to occupy a single body and make its way along the quest, refined, to reunification. And though our journey is a solo one, our bit of soul never looses its receptors that keep it in touch with its source. For me, the autumn countryside is like a window into infinity. Even a brief glance keeps me a little more balanced throughout the rest of the year.

Daddy had a rough weekend in hospital and mama had a rough one at home. I did what I could to comfort and help and by Sunday p.m. he was stronger though exhausted. I left him asleep, holding a printed-out email from our cousin George, in Iraq, and the Colts game blaring. Believe it - that is a vast improvement over Saturday.

I have been wickedly spending money lately. Lavishly. Flamboyantly. Guiltily, but deliciously. Every October, when the last of the summer tan has faded I replace my shamefully expensive department store makeup. I suppose I could have put what hadn’t been used last spring in the fridge, but I never remember to and it would probably gross out BD anyway, should he see it there. Without air conditioning, stuff in the bathroom is not fit to use after a VA summer, so it gets dumped instead. Come October, I give cute young things, in black outfits and vivid eye shadow, complete freedom with the canvas of my face and a pretty substantial portion of my checkbook.

Well, of course, this is a regular event. But I also have been wanting a new winter coat and by golly, I walked into a store and there it hung - First thing through the door. The color, the cut, the fabric. Everything. I even found this chic hat with velvet hatband and little bit of veiling to match. Payday was last Thursday. Pay check is much smaller now. Truth is, I’m not actually buying things I hadn’t actually intended to buy, and I did pass on the Jones of New York blouse in a particularly flattering garnet red silk. Still, I do feel a little weird, tossing out $$$ as if I were a Rockefeller. ... well, okay, as if I were as rich as I think a Rockefeller is - not as if I really were. Heck. I’m shopping at Penny’s not along the Avenue Montaigne.

There have been a couple of other crises in my life - situations that portend the shift from one place to another -one role and another - one reality to another . Always, as a part of that process, comes this weird shopping spree - as if I could buy enough to fill the hole left by the departure of the old life. Of course, I know the only thing that will fill the hole is to live the new life, but at least I shall be properly dressed.

Thank heavens for Visa.

posted by Bess | 6:46 AM