Like The Queen
Whatever happens to strike my fancy, but surely some sort of fiber content.


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Sunday, June 22, 2003  

Cool granny
You are a masterful knitter! I don't know how you
got this result, but what the hell... Enjoy
your title, and try selling some of your
"unvented" patterns- you may make
enough for that bundle of qiviut you've been
drooling over...

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Okay okay - Sorry but now and then I really enjoy these quizes.

I’m thinking a lot, these days, about structure. There is a vision in my head - I can just close my eyes and see it: Some sort of caramel colored rods or pipes, joined to each other with connectors - all very architectural, like the framework of a geodesic dome gone haywire - open to the air, not walled up, so that ideas can still fly freely into the space enclosed, and out of it as well, but with distinct parameters. It gets erected by magic guardian “We-Love-Bess” spirits flitting about the air, consulting with me as to my specific needs and a goodly quantity of my desires as well, though not necessarily all of them. I am standing just to the left, directing its construction, anxious for it to be done so I can step inside, because I know that, once there, I can let go. I can surrender responsibility for something, at which I am failing, to the comforting restrictions of the structure. It’s the structure’s duty to see that what needs to be done, gets done; not mine. All I have to do is to stay within the structure. My own little open air, clear view, safe comforting cocoon.

Wacko? well, probably. But the realization that I need external structure sometimes, came to me when I was fairly young. When I was in music school I found a weekly private lesson was a disaster. If it was early in the week I’d goof off all week, figuring I had the weekend to practice. If it was late in the week I’d goof off all weekend, figuring I had all week to practice. guess what - I never practiced. So I came up with the idea of splitting the hour into 2 half hour sessions, one on technique, one on interpretation. Fortunately my teacher agreed. Well, after all, he was on salary and I had the right to an hour of his undivided time. So, I had 3 days to work on something specific before having to show progress. Monday and Friday I’d get new assignments and there you have it - no more hypocritical time wasting.

I don’t always set up external structures. Last winter I saw several months ahead with no particular looming responsibilities and I just let myself drift sweetly along. Not that I didn’t do anything, or anything difficult, or even anything structured; but I didn’t do anything new and difficult that required structure. It was one of the sweetest winters I’ve ever had. Long cozy evenings, easy days at work with little joys and funny bits. Low stress, the comfort of friends. It was bliss.

Funny how drifting sweetness isn’t perpetually satisfying. Sooner or later, along comes a desire for something hard to get; something I don’t think I can do, or have, or find, or achieve. Creating these fantasy cradles is what I do when I have to achieve the daunting but desired. (Not when I have to achieve the daunting but futile, like last week - I fear no one can do that.) That’s why I joined Weight Watchers. There is just something so cool about having guardian spirits who create fantasy jungle gyms in my imaginary playground so that I can get the hard stuff in life.

But it leads me to thinking about man’s ambition; that drive to create - to fling up the grand - to delve deeply - to encompass the whole. What a thrilling, chest swelling idea. When we were in England I was constantly gasping at the glorious churches offered up to the sky in every village, town or city - even on sea walls facing the vastness of oceans. I believe it is why I burst into tears at Bath Abby - why I stopped dead in my tracks walking up the hill to East Berghold. It was the realization that man just can’t stop trying to do the daunting. He just has to fling up the grand. And it is risky. It’s dangerous. It sparkles about with hubris. It tempts. It leads astray. But by God - it ennobles as well. And it helps me to love mankind for his efforts - even when he fails.

well. hmm. swallow. blush. harumph. head toss. neener neener neener. It's my blog. I can write what I want.

posted by Bess | 8:25 AM